If only we could choose who we love

There are so many situations in which I wished I could of had feelings for someone when I just didn't.   The guys that have been interested in me in the last couple of years have generally been really nice, genuine people.  If only I could have been attracted to them.....

Instead I've been in love with the same person for the last three years, who many times has not been nice or genuine to me.  Why?  As far as I know this person has no interest in dating me.  There was a time when I thought there was possibility, but that is long gone.  Everyone once in awhile there are glimpses of something between us, and those ultimately serve as my downfall.    I think that he is attracted to me, and clearly likes me as a person, but for whatever reason, doesn't want to date me.  You would think that after 3 years of this, I would be able to move on, but I think that in order to truly do that, I would need to shut him out of my life completely and I just can't bear the thought of that.  I talk to him/see him pretty much everyday, so it would be a dramatic change.  How can I be so attached to someone who doesn't always treat me with the respect I deep down know I deserve?? 

I think a big part of it is I don't believe that i'll ever meet someone like him again.  Despite the bad, there are also a lot of positive and wonderful things about him.  He can be so ridiculous and fun, and can always make me laugh.  He's the one person that can just make me forget about how stressed I am over grad school.  He will take care of me when I really need him.  Even though he doesn't believe it, he's incredibly intelligent, and knows a little bit about everything.  And lastly, I'm just so attracted to him.   All these things make it so hard to think of letting him go.

He doesn't make it easy for me to to try to move on.  He's constantly in my business and constantly invading my personal space.  When we are out with groups, the waiter/waitress commonly give him a check with both of our items on it.   We do things that couples do together like going house hunting, going to the grocery store, and sitting in bed watching a movie.   He emails me on average about 10-15 times during the day.  Its just weird.  I don't think he even gets how weird it is.  

Really, he's kind of like an addiction.  Spending time with him gives me a high, but then sometimes right after we have a really good day, when I am finally alone, I just fall apart and start sobbing uncontrollably.  And still, even though the result is not pretty, I still keep going back for more.    

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